U.F.S.C Kraken

Lambda217

United Federation Strike Corvette
Kraken

Under the terrifying threat of the fearsome, galaxy-smashing Bereavement Advocates, the noble United Federation of Sovereign Colonies have formed an alliance with the enigmatic Spectral Directorate to create the ultimate fusion of Spectral technology and Federation ingenuity, a planet-shattering dreadnought incorporating the most powerful advances in missile technology, dark energy, and molecular clockwork, crewed by the elite of the elite of the Federation's brave Starship Rangers.

The Kraken is not that ship. Before the Leviathan-class dreadnought was released from dry dock, the Kraken was created, a refitted Andromeda-class strike corvette, containing prototypes of Spectral technology to be tested in the field before being incorporated into the Leviathan, and crewed by a specially selected crew from the Starship Rangers who scored higher than most but not enough for service on the Leviathan; ultimate alien warrior Commander Rigel, the super-intelligent Nebulonian Yeoman Squeeble (inventor of the Squeeble-Space teleport network), ferocious soldier Officer Alyona Muratov (record holder for number of confirmed kills with bladed weaponry in the Federation Corps), mysterious black-ops specialist Dr. Scuttle, southern-fried Spectral Directorate Engineer Geoffrey RX-01, as well as the ship's custom neural-optic artificial intelligence and a bloodthirsty Spectral Directorate Combat Cyborg.

Now the heroes of the Federation set out to unite the galaxy as they search for the mysterious seventh-dimensional Acheron Five, on their quest to find the ultimate power to defeat the Bereavement Advocates once and for all...

so yeah this is kraken

it's actually not done yet at all but the base for everything is there and everything's wired up so get hyped

U.F.S.C KRAKEN SPECIFICATIONS

[LIFE SUPPORT]
1x Squeeble Quantum Life Support Module

[PROPULSION/POWER]
1x Spectral Dark Energy Reaction Engine

[MANUFACTURING]
1x RoidMulcher 2050X Asteroid Processor
1x Cruise Missile NanoFactory
2x Concussion Torpedo NanoFactories

[ARMAMENTS]
12x Cruise Missile Silos
2x Burst-Fire Concussion Torpedo Batteries

[ARMOR]
Selkie-Garret Energized/Reactive NanoPlating Armour

The Dark Energy Reaction Engine (D.E.R.E) is a product of the Spectral Directorate, using a modulated white hole to emit a limitless and constant stream of dark energy. This dark energy serves three purposes - it provides thrust for the starship, increases and decreases the mass of the vessel's hull in response to certain frequencies, and can be converted to electricity to power other ship systems via a Dark Energy Capacitor.

The Kraken's DERE is three times the size of the standard Andromeda-class's drive core, and the acceleration forces generated by piloting the vessel with it mean that a pilot with stronger body structure than standard humans (cyborgs, class 5+ xeno, robots) is required at the helm (the main body of the ship is gyro-stabilized). The mass reduction power of the DERE is such that Kraken can reach FTL speeds without use of a warp drive simply by engaging the drive core at a strong enough level to give the vessel almost negative mass, and at sublight velocity the ship has almost fighter-level speed and agility.

The Ultimate Bomb-Ass Space Future Starship Rangers

Commander Rigel



(making PACs is hard give time pls)

Full Name: [BUFFER OVERFLOW]
Quote: "Mat shala'rak'tai, mat sholo'rok'tai."
Favourite Food: T-Bone Steak (Rare)

[The Pufmakeen Guide To Non-Federation Species And Fauna, p311, Chapter 12 'Races To Avoid']

Rigellians [Ra-dee-ell-eeans] are a humanoid, mostly-sapient race standing seven to eight feet tall. Their build possesses a strong bone structure and dense musculature, making them three times as heavy as standard Federation races (i.e humans), and they have a thick, rough hide of shades from grey to dark brown. They have unusually large teardrop-shaped eyes that occupy most of their face, with round amber pupils, white sclera, and a distinctive extra pupil slightly below the main one. Rigellians have three long clawed fingers on each hand, and a comparatively small opposable thumb. Due to the constant conflict on their homeworld and outside it, they almost always dress in standard black and grey combat armor and fatigues. In Rigellian culture, every male crafts their own Ra'taran at the age of fifteen, a garment resembling a fusion of a hood and a scarf, woven from dark energy-infused nanofiber, and the loss of this garment is considered a grave dishonour.

Their most unique trait is a series of diode-like glands ascending their spines that allow them a mild degree of influence over dark energy, thus allowing Rigellians to dynamically reinforce their body structure. With intense training they can project dark energy as a physical force, allowing them to manipulate matter from afar. This powerful advantage, known as Iskra, allowed the Rigellians to bypass the usual social and cooperative stages of sapient evolution, and as such much of Rigellian culture, warfare, art, and social interaction revolves around hitting others with Iskra, blunt instruments, or their bare fists.

The most unique Rigellian personal weapon is the Kryla. The Kryla is a seven-meter hybrid of a centipede and a serpent, and, similar to Rigellians, can channel dark energy, which it uses for flight. They are domesticated by Rigellians in a complicated process: the Kryla is locked in a room with two buttons. One button is labelled with an image of a Rigellian, and dispenses food, the other button has a picture of a bunny rabbit and dispenses knives and electric shocks.

When domesticated fully, the Kryla is issued to a Rigellian, who will spend most of their life with it by their side. A Kryla is carried in a rigid 'resting' position on the back like a staff, and the first Kryla technique a Rigellian learns is, in fact, hitting an enemy with one like a staff, as their heavy dark-energy reinforced carapace can deliver powerful armour-crushing blows. As the bond between the Kryla and its owner develops, more advanced techniques can be learned, such as flailing the Kryla like an extremely bitey whip, until eventually the Rigellian can direct the Kryla to fly at enemies and lash or chew on them with a single gesture. Rigellians often grow attached to their Krylas, and show their affection by naming them and bolting various weapons and cybernetics to them (without anaesthetic) to enhance their combat efficiency and lifespan.

Ship-mounted weaponry consists of Phase Cannons, which, like most Rigellian technology, utilizes dark energy to devastating effect. Phase Cannons are powered by an individual Rigellian, who both directs the turret and powers it with his own Iskra, which the cannon amplifies. As they burn such a large quantity of dark energy in use, Phase Cannons are outlawed by Federation guidelines as a Universe-Harming Technology, but as of yet no volunteers have been acquired who are willing to inform the Rigellians of this. Some starships also use large explosives packed full of shrapnel, nails, and dishonoured Rigellian bones, which are dropped indiscriminately on enemy targets.

Rigellians traditionally ignored armour in favour of their resilient physiology, but as the 'Rigel-Buster 7500' Explosive Railgun Round became popular, stolen nanoplated combat dress became equally favoured among their ranks.

[Federation Military Profile ID #217343A]

Shakara Regorala Shaddon-Sha'karalai Raba-Kalai Acheri Keesta-Mat'Sharan'Salai-Shi'Talon(He Who Does A Really Well Job Of It) was hatched among over three-hundred spawn of his kind in a traditional Rigellian spawning pit, a large water-filled pothole. The son of the leader of a powerful warband, he was afforded the luxury of various lumps of gristle dropped into the pit bi-weekly. In the chaos of the pit, Shakara devoured thirty of his weaker siblings before he learned to shriek, and was finally extracted from the pit along with the remaining two other survivors when he was three years old.

In his younger years, Shakara received his education in his war-band's local school, a red-rock cave where he and various other young Rigellians hit and clawed each other under the loving eye of the clan matriarchs. Shakara displayed particular affinity with the natural ability of Rigellians to manipulate dark energy on a small scale via glands in their spine, however, one day as Shakara was launching a fellow student into a roof support, he inadvertently brought a large rockslide down on his head, burying him. When the school day was done twelve hours later, Shakara was quickly rescued from the cave-in by a group of his friends who hoped to divide his belongings between themselves. It was discovered that Shakara was still breathing, and so he was taken to an infirmary where various slurry-based ointments were applied to his wounds and healing chants were bellowed at his head.

Waking from his coma two months later, Shakara resumed his education. However, the head injury had left him a changed Rigellian. The many segments of his primary brain that were responsible for violence towards other had entered a feedback loop with his secondary brainstem's emotional cortex, instilling a mental complex similar to human empathy. Shakara found himself unable to partake in curricular activities such as "Musical Curb-Stomps" and "Pin The Heat-Dagger On The Weakest Student", and his grades in beatings, maulings, and organ ruptures slipped drastically.

Faced with disownment from his family and peers, Shakara left education and spent his days in a small shack attempting to grow vegetables for himself, the effects of which were dire to his carnivorous digestive system. During this time, he built himself various electronic equipment such as vid-screens and subspace transceivers. One day, his equipment received a recruitment program for the Federation Starship Rangers, and while Shakara could not understand the speech of the small pink creatures he saw, they fascinated him, and he spent his time decorating the walls of his shack with home-made drawings of them. When he reached the age of fifty-five, his tertiary mother decided to make one last attempt to rebuild ties between them (mainly due to the Rigellian belief that parents who brought up their sons with insufficient bloodthirst were doomed to three thousand years only eating meta-broccoli in the afterlife). She invited him to crew on the Rigellian war-barge 'Sharak-Rigata-Scallaeri' (Maximum Fuck) bound for Nebulon-Alpha, there to make war with the inhabitants, who had offended one of the three-thousand gods of the Rigellian religion by hanging their socks out to dry on Mondays.

The inhabitants of Nebulon-Alpha were small, rotund green creatures with large round eyes, stubby limbs, the constitution of marshmallows, and a bizarre mental biology that made them incapable of even contemplating harming another creature. As the phase cannons of the Sharak-Rigata blew their homes to pieces and sent the Nebulonians waddling through the burning streets flailing and shrieking, Shakara became the first Rigellian to feel empathy for another species. Leaving the observation deck of the war-barge, Shakara used his skill with technology to covertly send a wide-beam distress call to the Federation. While his knowledge of the Federation language meant that the Federation Communication Officers believed he was ordering take-out, a Starship Ranger battle-cruiser was dispatched nevertheless, and an intense battle began in orbit above Nebulon-Alpha, in which a lot of Federation Rangers were hit with Krylas and a lot of Rigellians were shot with railguns. Unprepared for the brutal weaponry of the Rigellian war-barge, the Federation began to give ground (or space).

Seeing this, Shakara made his way to the Slip Drive of the Sharak-Rigata, intending to detonate it, sacrificing himself either in an attempt at redemption, or because he hadn't really thought his plan through, especially considering he didn't know how to detonate Slip Drives. However, upon arriving at the main drive chamber, Shakara discovered a green Nebulonian already at the control console. The Nebulonian explained that it had teleported itself on board with a home-made prototype transporter, intending to sabotage the war-barge, but after preparing the self-destruct sequence had found itself unable to go through with the act of destroying the ship and its crew. Instead, it claimed, it would undo its work and die without compromising its values. Shakara felt a great respect for the diminutive creature, and, punting it across the drive chamber, mashed the control console with his large fingers, engaging a five-second self-destruct countdown.

As the timer ticked down, Shakara decided to make peace with the three-thousand gods of Rigel, but decided midway through they were all Trak-Ralai ('shitlords') and instead began to make peace with the gods he had heard of watching Federation transmissions. Shakara was halfway through reciting a litany of repentance to Mjolnir Burger when he realized the countdown had been at zero for five minutes. Looking around, he saw that he and the control console were standing on a grassy Nebulon-Alpha field, with the green Nebulonian unconscious next to him. Shakara gently punched the Nebulonian in the stomach for a minute or so, partly to wake him and partly due to interest at the small creature's spongy texture. He was then abruptly shot fifteen times with various magnetic weapons and collapsed. As the Starship Ranger shore party drew close, the Nebulonian awoke and shrieked repeatedly until the Rangers agreed to hide their weapons and knives behind their backs.

The bruised Nebulonian informed the Rangers the helpful nature of Shakara in time to prevent their overzealous commander from feeding him a grenade to finish him, and introduced himself to the partly comatose Shakara as Squeeble. Squeeble explained to the Rigellian that he had teleported them both away before the war-barge's Slip Drive detonated, pointing to the blue-white glow in the sky above where the ship had scattered its component atoms across the universe. As the ashes of his people rained down onto his face, Shakara and Squeeble shared a hearty laugh over their great adventure before Shakara passed out from blood loss and his body went into a healing coma.

When the Federation battle-cruiser returned to Earth, Shakara and Squeeble were aboard, Shakara being promised large kegs of weapons-grade alcohol in return for study of his Rigellian physique for research into anti-Rigellian weaponry, and Squeeble eager to sell his patented Squeeble-Space teleport technology, bored of the endless green fields of Nebulon-Alpha. On the voyage, Shakara and Squeeble became firm friends, Squeeble being marshmallowy enough to absorb the blows of Shakara, who was still unused to any form of social interaction that did not involve a friendly uppercut, and Shakara providing a constant supply of dark energy for use in Squeeble's causality-breaking experiments. Upon arrival at Earth, Squeeble's Squeeble-Space technology earned him an immediate offer at a place at the Federation Starship Ranger Academy, a position he accepted on the grounds Shakara would be accepted as well.

But the Academy was no place for Shakara. It was here he acquired the nickname Rigel, as the teaching staff found his full name difficult to remember. This led to five professors and twenty students being blown out of six different windows, as in Rigellian culture failure to address someone via their full name is an act of war, but eventually he settled with his new name. However, this was only the beginning of Rigel's problems. He could not fit into any of the seats, he struggled with tests that did not involve physical activity, and the constant experiments done on his unique biology left him irritated and sore. Eventually, Squeeble discovered a small cake left outside his dormitory room, clumsily iced with the words "Squebble, is Rigel - Board of scool, gon to space, very luck." The cake was infused with dark energy, as is the custom in Rigellian cookery, and knocked Squeeble out for ten days, by which time Rigel had chartered a hard-boiled crew of former space pirates at a local space-tavern and left Earth to undertake mercenary work.

'Dark Star', as the mercenary group came to be known, became a feared force in the galaxy's underworld. Composed of various robots, insectoids, and uber-grizzled humans, they undertook all contracts with brutal efficiency. Due to Rigel's head injury-induced empathy, they refused action against civilian or Federation targets, but any accusations of softness were silenced, usually by dark energy or a Kryla, and business was good.

But one week after the Bereavement Advocate Incursion, Rigel found his flagship, the Gra'Falai (Fight The Space Ships Go Make A Well Job Of It), face to face with an inquisitive BA scout ship. Rigel immediately ordered a boarding party, and smashing into the scout ship's hull in a breaching pod, charged into battle with his Kryla ready.

When Rigel woke from his healing coma two weeks later with his legs regrown, he found that Dark Star had been destroyed. Only two members, his lieutenant and his executive officer, the ones who had carried his top half from the scout ship, were still alive, and they no longer wanted anything to do with him.

Rigel returned to Earth, intending to drown his sorrows in various huge kegs of alcoholic beverages. However, it was there he encountered Yeoman Squeeble for a second time.

Yeoman Squeeble



Full Name: Yeoman. Squeeble
Quote: "On a high enough level, quantum mechanics and baking are the same thing, really."
Favourite Food: Squeeble-Tastic SpaceFritter Surprise

Following his enrolment in the United Federation of Sovereign Colonies, Squeeble immediately signed himself up for the Starship Ranger Academy, convincing Rigel to follow him with promises of baked treats. There, Squeeble excelled at Cookery, Poetry & Literature, Gelotology, and Quantum Mechanics. Earning commendations for both his thesis, 'On The Dispersion Of Dark Energy Through The Primary Lorentzian Manifolds' and his Squeeble-Tastic SpaceFritter Surprise (a tasty, nutritious dish suitable for the digestive systems of all Federation species), he exceeded all requirements for Starship Ranger membership, and was assigned to crew on the Federation battlecruiser U.F.B.C John Madden's Revenge as a gunnery engineer.

However, his inherent pacifism caused trouble almost immediately. During John Madden's Revenge first engagement with space pirates, GySgt. Squeeble suffered a panic attack while loading heat sinks into the warship's ultralaser batteries, and was discovered after the battle in the ship's magazine shrieking on the floor surrounded by unloaded coolant tubes, having crashed his reloading forklift into a wall.

Following this, GySgt. Squeeble was given two month's leave and reassigned to the research vessel U.F.R.V Gagarin as an engineering technician and honorary chef. His service on the Gagarin was far more successful; Squeeble succeeded in optimizing the Gagarin's powertrain by 237% and rigging many of his experimental sensors to the ship's radar, making it one of the most proficient scientific vessels in Federation history, responsible for the discovery of many pre-Federation artifacts.

With this successful service record, Squeeble was listed as a candidate for the position of Yeoman on the U.F.S.C Kraken. However, touring the ship with the other candidates one day before the final selections, Squeeble suffered a hyperventilation fit when he saw the Kraken's cruise missile silo shields retracted, and respectfully declined the offer.

But as fate would have it, after taking a shuttle back to the Federation homeworld, Earth, Squeeble encountered Rigel trying unsuccessfully to drown his sorrows at a human bar after the Dark Star incident. Squeeble quickly located a pub that produced brews sufficient for Rigellian biology, and decided to indulge in some of them himself. As they both drank copious amounts of fluids classified as starship fuel in most galaxies, Squeeble, mostly intoxicated, brought up the subject of the Kraken.

Waking up forty-eight hours later with a gargantuan hangover raging in all seven of his brain's hemispheres, Squeeble discovered that not only had he and Rigel removed most of their clothing and danced in the large fountain in Canzukei Plaza bellowing various off-key verses from the classic Rigellian ballad "Suzy Mjolnirs And The Eleven Autocannons", but they had also enlisted themselves for service on the Kraken.

Squeeble had taken calligraphy lessons as an extra-curricular activity in the Starship Ranger Academy, and so even his drunken state was not enough to prevent his and Rigel's signatures from being accepted on the candidate list, and Squeeble being chosen as Yeoman due to his outstanding qualifications. But discovering that Rigel had been selected as captain of the vessel, he decided to stay, 'so long as Rigel was in charge of all the shooting'.

RX-01 (Geoffrey)



Full Name: Spectral Directorate Combat Engineer. RX-01 (Geoffrey)
Quote: "See, back on Farm-Planet Saiphian, my dear mama always used to say, don't bring in the aqua-hay until you knows the meta-sharks ain't biting. It don't translate that well, but you gets the idea, right?"
Favourite Food: Southern-Fried Fishflakes

[KRAKEN COMMS LOG 27/05/2217]

[3Spooky has connected]
[MjolnirGirl773 has connected]

MjolnirGirl773: hey there

3Spooky: sup

MjolnirGirl773: a/s/l/sp?

3Spooky: 17, male, deep space, saiphian
3Spooky: u?

MjolnirGirl773: 16/monofemale/terra/alhenian

3Spooky: alhenian? sweet
3Spooky: i like your hair tentacle things

MjolnirGirl773: never heard of saiphian before
MjolnirGirl773: pics?

[Image Sent]

MjolnirGirl773: um
MjolnirGirl773: a goldfish?

3Spooky: ...
3Spooky: i am not a goldfish
3Spooky: i am a saiphian, we are 15/10 on the tako sapience scale

MjolnirGirl773: u really look like a goldfish
MjolnirGirl773: i don't know if this will work out

3Spooky: yeah but i am not ordinary saiphian
3Spooky: i am also member of spectral directorate

MjolnirGirl773: is that a band

3Spooky: no
3Spooky: is top secret ancient conspiracy
3Spooky: they gave me a sick cyborg body
3Spooky: all humanoid and that

[Image sent]

MjolnirGirl773: ur not a robot infiltrator are you
MjolnirGirl773: i've had bad times with robot infiltrators

3Spooky: no its my sick cyborg body
3Spooky: with it i can breath on land

MjolnirGirl773: gud 4 u

3Spooky: i can lift like
3Spooky: stuff that's ultra heavy
3Spooky: crush heads and stuff

MjolnirGirl773: i can't see that causing anything but problems
MjolnirGirl773: why u even have it
MjolnirGirl773: it's weird

3Spooky: more like spooky
3Spooky: huh

3Spooky: um so it's because i'm serving aboard
3Spooky: the KRAKEN.

MjolnirGirl773: u mean the less cool version of the leviathan?

3Spooky: how do you even kno
3Spooky: look gurl u don't wanna pass this up
3Spooky: u may never have opportunity to go out with cyborg ninja again
3Spooky: check out my sword

[Image sent]

MjolnirGirl773: ...i REALLY don't want to see your 'sword'

3Spooky: no no click it
3Spooky: it's an actual sword

MjolnirGirl773: omg you're gonna stab me aren't you

3Spooky: it's like, a chainsaw katana it's sick
3Spooky: no
3Spooky: no

MjolnirGirl773: i'm done go eat some fishflakes or something

[MjolnirGirl773 has disconnected]

3Spooky: wait let me show you
3Spooky: fuck
[Invalid command 'fuck'!]
3Spooky: dicks
[Invalid command 'dicks'!]
3Spooky: dicks
[Invalid command 'dicks'!]

Kraken AI



Full Name: AI-Neural Quantum Interface-653
Quote: *boop*
Favourite Food: Roast Transistors

[KRAKEN AI CHAMBER AUDIO LOG TRANSCRIPT 23/09/2217]

[CMD. RIGEL]: *grunting*
[AI. KRAKEN]: *contemplative beeping*

[10 SECONDS SILENCE]

[CMD. RIGEL]: I wish to remove my holy man.
[AI. KRAKEN]: *beeping*
[CMD. RIGEL]: A man of a peaceful religion has no place on the battlefield, and so far he has caused nothing but trouble. I want to resign him from duty.
[AI. KRAKEN]: *affirmative beeping*
[SOUND: SMALL OBJECT BEING HURLED ACROSS ROOM?]

[20 SECONDS SILENCE]

[CMD. RIGEL]: That is an illegal move.
[AI. KRAKEN]: *negative bleeping*
[CMD. RIGEL]: The queen can move that distance?
[CMD. RIGEL]: Either she is a mightier warrior than I first believed, or else she has integrated warp capabilities.
[CMD. RIGEL]: Perhaps both.

[15 SECONDS SILENCE]

[AI. KRAKEN]: *melodious beeping*
[CMD. RIGEL]: This one claims to be a knight, yet I only see a steed.
[CMD. RIGEL]: I can only imagine there was some form of terrible riding accident.
[CMD. RIGEL]: Or perhaps he is a knight of a very equine species.
[AI. KRAKEN]: *warning beep*
[CMD. RIGEL]: No.
[CMD. RIGEL]: I refuse to believe my castle can cross this board at his leisure, but cannot muster the effort to turn diagonally.
[CMD. RIGEL]: I will rotate him forty-five degrees like so.
[CMD. RIGEL]: See?
[AI. KRAKEN]: *additional warning beeps*
[CMD. RIGEL]: If it looks like a castle then it is a castle.

[30 SECONDS SILENCE]

[CMD. RIGEL]: My king is so slow.
[CMD. RIGEL]: He must be very corpulent to be so outmatched in pace by his queen.
[AI. KRAKEN]: *celebratory beeps*
[CMD. RIGEL]: What?
[CMD. RIGEL]: No.
[CMD. RIGEL]: The game is not over.
[AI. KRAKEN]: *merry beeping*
[CMD. RIGEL]: I do not care if the king has been captured.
[CMD. RIGEL]: My queen is still in play.
[CMD. RIGEL]: She can mount a rescue mission.
[AI. KRAKEN]: [unidentified victory march]
[CMD. RIGEL]: You are a worse opponent than that robot with the junkyard spaceship.
[CMD. RIGEL]: Do you intend to suggest that the queen is powerless without her husband?
[CMD. RIGEL]: Because that is sexist and discriminatory.
[AI. KRAKEN]: [victory march increases in volume]

[ERROR: DATA CORRUPTION. TWO MINUTES OF AUDIO ARE UNRECOVERABLE AND HAVE BEEN SKIPPED.]

[SOUND: CRASHING NOISES, SPLINTERING NOISES.]
[CMD. RIGEL]: [RAISED VOICE] Rahga-shak'ta chess!
[LOADING TRANSLATOR...]
[CMD. RIGEL]: Ra'shud mak'ta ga trenna vas actar! [I anoint the graves of your forefathers with my alkaline piss!]
[SOUND: CRASHING NOISES, SPLINTERING NOISES.]
[AI. KRAKEN]: [fifty unidentified victory marches played simultaneously]
[CMD. RIGEL]: MA'RAKALAI! [Chode!]
[CMD. RIGEL]: Ma'sha tak chei! [I violate you!]
[SOUND: CRASHING NOISES, SPLINTERING NOISES, HEAVY IMPACT.]
[CMD. RIGEL]: Sha'tutsai! [My foot!]
[CMD. RIGEL]: Raga-shar talar grat'shi va shak'ta va ma'rakalai tak chei dak shallon gar-atalai va kaselei ent-okolai gar ma'rakalai rakalai!
[TRANSLATOR FAILURE]
[SOUND: CRASHING NOISES, SPLINTERING NOISES]
[AUDIO INPUT FAILURE]
[RECORD ENDS]

Alyona



Full Name: Comms Officer. Alyona Muratov
Quote: "Space pirates, xeno, B.A - they all make the same satisfying *schlporp* noise when you fillet them with a nanoblade. Unless they have cybernetic augments. Then they go *schlporp* *clang* *ffzt*. Either way, there is much mess. Privycka, vtoraja natura."
Favourite Food: Kotlety and broccoli w\ medovukha

[KRAKEN PERSONAL LOG ENTRY, COMMS OFFICER. ALYONA MURATOV, 25/06/2217]

Дерьмо.

[TRANSLATING...]

So, it is my first solar evening aboard the United Federation's billion-credit guinea pig. Kraken. The boys at the Academy all sing its praises, but I know for certain that this warbird is just the testing bed for all the fancy galaxy-saving technology of the Leviathan Project. The mess hall is a empty fuel cell that used to hold antimatter in the standard Andromeda model, and whenever I eat I can smell the ozone from the power battery below the table. For reasons inexplicable the Spectral Directorate technology we bolted onto this mess turned the Dark Energy Capacitor into some kind of indoor garden, though the AI doesn't seem to mind, because every time I walk past his ivy-covered chamber to my station I hear him beeping some проклятие happy chiptune song, the same one every day, every hour. I have to sleep next to the captain's berth in some cramped barracks right below the munitions chamber, and he is an eight-foot greasy alien that smells [TRANSLATION ERROR].

In fact, let me elaborate on the crew. Беда никогда не приходит одна. First, we have our captain, who as I have mentioned is eight-foot and greasy. No-one can remember his name, so we call him Rigel, because that is where he is from. Now, Rigellians will normally crush your skull like a melon for belching near them, but this doesn't, which is all good until you are told this is because he has severe brain damage, which is less pleasing.

Now we have our doctor, a man-sized ant who is not authorized to give us his name and not authorized to tell us his species and is not authorized to do anything but stick needles in our arm until we are all better, though the sight of his mandibles chittering as he leans over you will surely give you even more complaints. Next is our Gunnery Sergeant, a 'combat cyborg', another grand Spectral innovation who shrieks about meat constantly and writes terrible meat-based poetry at all hours. Thankfully, he obeys orders without question, so we tell him to stay in the munitions chamber at all times, except sometimes he doesn't and you turn around to see him right behind you shouting his flesh-related couplets at you until you kick him and his head reboots or something.

Our engineer is a fish. I do not exaggerate. He claims to be a Spectral Directorate combat cyborg as well, and he can certainly wave his chainsaw-katana thing about, but he is a fish in a fishbowl mounted atop a robot body. He is also a total dork. We do not get along. I try to talk to him about the solar flares, he does not stop ликовать about his katana or his powerful strength or his sexual exploits. I secretly raised the PH in his tank by 3. This will hopefully shut him up for at least a day or two.

The AI does not speak. He just bleeps. I do not know if the Federation brass couldn't afford a vocal processor with all the junk they crammed on this ругательство ship, or whether he chooses not to. But it gives me a headache after two minutes, so we do not talk, especially considering his chamber is overgrown with plants as I have mentioned.

The final one is our Yeoman, Squeeble. He alone I like, and he was the one who convinced me on board this ship in the first place. A year or so before, he saved me personally from a B.A deathsquad with his fancy teleportation tech. I would have had them even without my pistol, but my knife snapped in two inside one of their temporal bones, as the ебаный Federation can't be bothered to issue us with proper nanoblades. Squeeble may be small, rotund, and mallowy, but he is the only one on this ship who can talk to someone without bleeping or clicking or smelling awful. And for that and saving me, I will tolerate this vessel so long as he is here. He also bakes an excellent pirozhki.

In addition to my job as Comms Officer, Rigel has given me the 'privilege' of flying his странный fighter, the Akula or whatever. He may go on about how it is a great honour and that the Akula is the only Rigellian fighter in the Federation fleet, but the cockpit is designed for aliens twice our size, so I had to rewire the throttle pedals to the dashboard lights. Whenever I turn, that is a 55% chance that the radio will tune into Galactic FM, and they will ALWAYS be playing "Mjolnir Sunday - The Steebs." and it will ALWAYS stick in my head for days after. The Rigellians come from a warm planet, and so they have no concept of 'heat displacement'. I think if I actually accelerate that fighter to full, I will boil in the cockpit.

Нет худа без добра. The Akula, however, does have good engines, and some very nice Rigellian weaponry. The sheer scale of space makes naval-style mines useless, so they compensate by firing out about a hundred of them in random directions. There are also rapid missile launchers and phase cannons, so that is all well.

I now go to compose an email to my sister about what to do with my cat in the event of my passing. Stanislavski will not go uncared for if I die aboard this stupid bucket.

[END LOG]

Ulysses



Full Name: Spectral Directorate Combat Cyborg. Ulysses
Quote: "the [flesh harvest] is always waiting for you!"
Favourite Food: Meat, either twitching, shrieking, or both if it's a holiday.

[MUNTIONS CHAMBER AUDIO LOG TRANSCRIPT 17/06/2217]
[VOICE 1]: Help! Alyona, help!
[VOICE 1 IDENTIFIED AS FEDERATION YEOMAN SQUEEBLE]
[YN. SQUEEBLE]: Someone!
[VOICE 2]: dO NOt bE AFeArEd, SQuAShy oNe!
[VOICE 2 IDENTIFIED AS SPECTRAL COMBAT UNIT ULYSSES]
[ULYSSES]: oPEn tHE CupBOard dOoR, aND Be rEWarDEd wITh THe [grAnDeST] Of [TIckLEs]!
[YN. SQUEEBLE]: Ulysses! Please!
[YN. SQUEEBLE]: Can we talk about this?
[ULYSSES]: *loud shrieking*
[ULYSSES]: *loud shrieking*
[ULYSSES]: *loud shrieking*

[SKIPPING AHEAD FOUR MINUTES...]

[YN. SQUEEBLE]: Ulysses?
[YN. SQUEEBLE]: Are...are you still out there?

[SOUND: EXPLOSION]

[YN. SQUEEBLE]: Sweet Nebulonian pickles, NO! He's breaking through the door!

[SOUND: EXPLOSION, CRASHING]

[YN. SQUEEBLE]: Help! Someone!
[ULYSSES]: cOMe WIth Me!

[SOUND: EXPLOSION, CRASHING]

[ULYSSES]: AnD yOU'll Be

[SOUND: EXPLOSION, CRASHING]

[ULYSSES]: In A wooORRLLDD OF PURE IMAGINATION

[SOUND: LARGE EXPLOSION, LOUD CRASH]

[ULYSSES]: i dIsCOver YOu, SqUAshY FRieNd!
[ULYSSES]: NoW CoME anD [sEe] WhAT [fleShTrEAts] aRE aVAiLabLe fOR yOU eSpECiaLly!
[YN. SQUEEBLE]: No! No!

[SOUND: WET SLAPPING]

[YN. SQUEEBLE]: Why did they give him TENTACLES?
[YN. SQUEEBLE]: ...is that my spatula?
[YN. SQUEEBLE]: What did you do to it, you monster!?
[ULYSSES]: tHE DeViCE iS mODifIed, [fLeShtREAt]!
[ULYSSES]: NoW iT iS a GRaNd wEaPon oF THe SPecTraL DiRecToRAte!
[ULYSSES]: SUitAbLE fOr ReMoVIng dOoRs fRoM CuPbOaRds aNd oThEr [gRAnD] TAsKs
[ULYSSES]: sUCh aS [flEShtICklEs]!
[SOUND: BUZZING]
[YN. SQUEEBLE]: *shrieking*
[ULYSSES]: *shrieking*

[SKIPPING AHEAD TEN MINUTES...]

[ULYSSES]: nOw It iS yOuR tUrn, [sTrInGyNErVEs]! sAy YoUr LiNes wITh [gUsTo]!
[YN. SQUEEBLE]: *whimpering*
[YN. SQUEEBLE]: Oh...Spectral Combat Cyborg...Ulysses...35...X
[YN. SQUEEBLE]: I always...
[YN. SQUEEBLE]: I always knew you were..right for me.
[ULYSSES]: aND thIs [UNit] alSO, [fLEshMeAt]!
[ULYSSES]: wILL yOu acCePt mY [suBjugGtiOn teNtACles] iN maRrIAge?
[YN. SQUEEBLE]: *whimpering*
[ULYSSES]: nOw iS NOt tHe tIMe fOr frIGht oN stAgE, yEOmAn!
[YN. SQUEEBLE]: I...I never thought I'd know what love could be...
[YN. SQUEEBLE]: ...it's a MUSICAL?
[YN. SQUEEBLE]: HELP! Someone, HELP!
[ULYSSES]: eXcellEnT iMpRoViSIng, [DriPPyflEsh]!

[SKIPPING AHEAD TWENTY MINUTES...]

[VOICE 3]: Get this certovskij door open now!
[VOICE 3 IDENTIFIED AS FEDERATION OFFICER MURATOV]

[SOUND: FORGE CANNON FIRING, METAL IMPACT]

[YN. SQUEEBLE] & [ULYSSES]: [SINGING] I never dreamed I'd see the stars...

[SOUND: FORGE CANNON FIRING, METAL IMPACT]

[YN. SQUEEBLE] & [ULYSSES]: [SINGING] I never dreamed I'd get so far...

[SOUND: FORGE CANNON FIRING, METAL IMPACT]

[YN. SQUEEBLE] & [ULYSSES]: [SINGING] But now I've got you by my side...

[SOUND: FORGE CANNON FIRING, METAL IMPACT]
[SOUND: FORGE CANNON FIRING, METAL TEARING]

[SOUND: NANO-BLADE ACTIVATING]
[OF. MURATOV]: Get your limp tentacle mitts off him, cyka!
[SOUND: MULTIPLE NANO-BLADE IMPACTS]
[ULYSSES]: [fLeshmeAt]! i aM [tIckLiSh] tO kNiVes!
[ULYSSES]: gOodbYe, fRieNd yEOmAn!
[ULYSSES]: rEmEMber tO rEhEArsE!
[SOUND: MULTIPLE NANO-BLADE IMPACTS, CYBERNETICS POWERING DOWN]

[YN. SQUEEBLE]: I never thought I'd...know...what...love could be...
[SOUND: OPEN PALM SLAP ON MARSHMALLOWY FLESH]
[OF. MURATOV]: Squeeble! Control yourself! Did he injure you?
[YN. SQUEEBLE]: I was kind of getting into it, actually.
[OF. MURATOV]: This otvratitelnyj boat will be the end of me.

Scuttle



[CLASSIFIED]

ALSO STARRING:

Captain Spectacular
Ultimate Federation war hero and primary contact of the Kraken.

Operative Lambda
Spectral Directorate Operative and liason from Kraken to the Spectral Directorate.