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Dark Matter is a show where the producers of Stargate SG-1 decided to make Firefly again. Now that you've read that, you need to all turn down your boners slightly, but also not too much.
Dark Matters takes place in the space future, where six people awaken from cryosleep on board a space future ship. The space future ship is pretty cool, because it's basically just a double Serenity combined with a mako shark. These six people have all lost their memories of everything, and so begins their quest to get them back and find out who did it.
Of course, all their former employers and enemies out there in the galaxy remember them, but they don't know they've lost their memories. The end result is a show where all the characters and everyone they meet have no idea who anyone else is or what's going on, probably don't know who they themselves are, and have a big plan to take over the galaxy that conflicts with everyone else's plans. Sometimes they turn out to be full of robots or someone else.
It's time to meet the crew! They all have numbers for names, because they don't remember them.
One tries to be nice by shrieking at all the other members of the crew to get themselves murdered trying to play space rangers to the rest of the galaxy. He also doesn't understand why Two doesn't date nice guys like him. For surely unrelated reasons, he got fired in between seasons.
Two just wants to get stuff done and not die due to the fuckups of the rest of the crew or the fact the entire galaxy wants them murdered for unknown reasons. She has a mysterious talent for beating everyone up, and also seeks to find out just why that is. Spoilers: anyone remember the final boss of Metal Gear Rising?
Jayne - no wait, Three
Oh my gosh with this guy. It's just Jayne. Really. He names all his guns and he shouts loudly all the time about being a pragmatic rogue. You''ll see. Six actually yells at him that he needs to stop pretending to be Jayne at some point, but that goes nowhere.
Oh my gosh with this guy. You're introduced to him as he regains his memories in his secret kung fu training room and shouts about honor, and you're all 'okay, that's fine.' Then it turns out he's the secret emperor of the planet that's just ancient Japan and he got framed by the evil empress who dresses in ANCIENT CHINESE clothes and you're all '...alright'. Then it turns out every single Asian person on this show also has a katana and will stab people with them in every other scene as they pursue him, also while shouting about honor and wearing traditional Japanese clothing. For some reason noone in the scene will have a laser gun when this happens.
Space tumblr lady here is meant to be fifteen, but noone on the show even bothers trying to make you believe that. She likes to hack and fix stuff and doesn't like it when people die, which I guess makes her the good guy of the team. It sure as fuck wasn't One.
Remember that episode in like, season one of sg-1 where that guy went mad with power and took over an alien world? This was the guy who got crucified and saved by O'Neill. Sweet peach tea, he got enormous. Mouldy theorizes it's something to do with Christopher Judge handing over his symbiote when he left the show. Anyway, Six doesn't really do or say anything for most episodes, except when he does actually do something it's a huge game changer, so watch out for him, I guess.
Android was found and activated by the crew after they woke up with their memories gone, and instantly tried to kick them all to death until they reset her. Her role is to maintain the ship and its crew, and also carry the entire show on her back. I'd post clips of her reacting to all the crazy space mayhem she has to deal with daily with her calm Siri voice and weird robot face, but I don't want to spoil that. In addition to controlling the entire spaceship, Android has knowledge of human psychology and can infallibly detect if you're lying just by looking at you, as well as the ability to be immune to lasers and beat up everything ever. She has only one weakness, and that's this electric poking stick that's always lying around on the spaceship. If you walk up to her with it behind your back and poke her with it suddenly, it's guaranteed to take her out of the plot all episode so stuff can get done; two episodes if it's a two parter.
You will not find a show both more predictable and more crazy than Dark Matter. One episode they go to a wrecked spaceship and there's just zombies. Not space zombies or SOMA zombies, just zombies. Noone says anything like "oh wow, this is just like those old holo-vids I used to watch!", they just say "it's like some kind of virus...made these people zombies!" and play it so completely straight you expect Android to turn to the camera and just dare you to say something about it. But this is all just setting you up for all the crazy stuff that's suddenly going to go down. You'll be sitting there all smug about you know how this episode is going to happen, then something goes nuts. A character is halfway through their story arc when suddenly they kick down their own apartment door and shoot themselves in the face. Robots become Jamaican without warning. Business ladies fire prisons into people's brains with their robot eyes.
Also this but that didn't actually happen.
There's actual ship to ship space battles on a regular basis, even if they do keep ending for parley on the basis of crap like Android shouting that "the shields are broken and need to be repaired at a station". Mouldy, to this day insists that's how shields work and I don't know anything and need to shut my mouth. Mouldy is too f**cking smart for my puny arguments, such as 'they're energy, just' and 'recharge them from the reactor'. Typing this brings to mind how the first moment I really started liking the show was when an evil ship launched a nuclear missile at their ship, and Android was all "we'll never get to FTL in time!". Then Two just had them all fly their ship directly towards the incoming nuclear missile as it launched so if it exploded both ships would be exploded, and the evil spaceship had to disarm the nuclear missile and run away. Everyone working on this show must be destroyed for stealing my secret Diaspora tactics, but not until the final season.
Dark Matters airs on SyFy and carries my hearty recommendation. The episodes alternate between immeasurably cliche and utterly insane, held up all the while by the lovable cast, and all manner of twists and turns abound as the characters all try to figure out who they are and what's going on, all the while assailed by mighty enemies such as incest twins, space clones, space parallel universe clones, and robot prostitutes. Also, noone steal the design for the spaceship. It's reserved for the Directorate.
"I want you to show this world what it means to fear the sky."